Got any spare change brother?

I am currently reading a small book entitled, PEACE about the life journey of Mahatma Gandhi. The book briefly describes his enormous sacrifice he gave of himself, his whole life, but then the book is made mostly up of quotes from Gandhi. There is one that moves me most.....

"Be the change you want to see in the world..."

Its amazing how quotes can strike such profound cords in us. Its like reading something so simple that sums up an entire lifespan. Whether it is things we already do or things we aspire to. Its almost as if we are trying to touch our own humanity and connect with our world at the same time. In my silence a lot of time is devoted to observation. Watching the movement of people as well as my own movement when I am around others.

I am sitting in a Starbucks right now typing away. Watching. Everyone is in their own space. Not much talking. Folks ordering their potions while others listen to iPods or read newspapers. Some are studying out of books while others tap away on keyboards. People are generally cordial and polite to one another but that is the extent of it.

It reminds me of the universe. So many heavenly bodies swirling and orbiting around each other, never colliding. Each full of their own properties, gravitational pull, and density! If you get too close to some you will inevitably be drawn into their black hole. While other's have a radiance that makes our sun inferior. Right now I am like the moon....reflecting the light of others. My existence is dependent upon someone else's pull. Nice to gaze upon from afar but ordinary on the surface. However, my own pull does create a sway this way or that way in others. I change with each day. Some days you can see all of me and other days you can only get a sliver of who I am. And I am fine with that. I want to affect my world, even in the most subtle of ways. I am sure someday I will have my hand at being a nebula.

So what change could I be that I want to see in the world? Well, for starters I'd like to see the world be more patient with one another. Yeah....I could use a double dose of patience when faced with challenges. I am guilty of being quick tempered and irritated when things do not go "my way". That is something I definitely will meditate on and put into practice. I am sure I could create a laundry list of changes I'd like to see in the world, but for now I will spare myself too much change...... smile.

Daily Diary

One is the loneliest number.......
Now, I knew my journey would bring about major change......but "knowing" something and going through it can be very different. It was clear to me that my social interactions would change drastically. Being alone with my thoughts is actually a comforting place to be. I am able to examine my behavior and really focus on the changes I need to make to become a better person. Coupled with the fact that I have been more creative and productive than I have been in years with my art. I need to be alone to make that happen. However, I am also a social creature. So this week I felt the tug of loneliness at my shirt tails. Its a double edged sword.

I definitely do NOT want to be like Jack Nicholson in the movie, "The Shining". Left alone with his thoughts for too long produced the crazies in him. Instead of writing his novel he spent hour after hour typing "All work and not play makes Jack a dull boy". Hmmmmmmmmm. And by most accounts the people that know me already think I'm crazy.....so where do you go from crazy?

There's this ebb and flow going on.
My biggest disappointment this week is that Stacy has made no effort what so ever to learn sign language so we can communicate easier at home. There were two years of opportunities to learn even the basics before this point.....and NOTHING. The irony of that got a chuckle out of my best friend. Not signing is not sooooooo bad, but its the lack of communication all together. He is the one person I had hoped would join in. He is the one person I see most in the world. While texting keeps me connected with people outside my head. I crave human contact. Now in his defense, this is my journey and not his so why should he be "forced" to do something that is a challenge for him, when he is only "in this" by default? I agree, he shouldn't. The challenge is mine and by the very nature of a challenge, it is not supposed to be easy and there will be unexpected twists and turns. It will ultimately be about how to find a solution for the challenges I face. I have logic and emotion battling this one out! That's the EBB.

Now for the FLOW. My children! Maybe its because they are children that they are so open to things that are different. They have just embraced what is going on at home. I can have all sorts of conversations with them. They have picked up a great deal of sign language but what they don't know in sign we gesture. Its like a never ending game of charades. They have fun with it, which in turn makes it fun for me. They also know how to sign the alphabet so if I am really stuck on a word with them I can spell it out. That's cool.
AHHHHHHHHH then there is the affection! (my favorite part) To make up for what is not said there are constant kisses and hugs from them. They will stop what they are doing just to give me a hug and say "I love you". We do A LOT of snuggling! smile......that's the BEST language!

Some adult love would be nice.....

Finding my rhythm...........again

While at the salon yesterday sharing some good laughs, my stylist Pam was remembering when I did my "Year of Esther"! This is when in 2008, I devoted the whole year to the book of Esther in the Bible. Where King Xerxes wanted a new wife and he had maidens "prepared" so he could make his choice. These particular scriptures were incredibly inspiring.... Esther 2:9 "The girl (Esther) pleased him and won his favor. Immediately he provided her with her beauty treatments and special food....." Esther 2:12 "Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics." Esther 2:17 "Now the king was attracted to Esther more than to any of the other women, and she won his favor and approval more than any of the other virgins, so he set a royal crown on her head and made her queen."

The scriptures really got me thinking about what went into those 12 months! To go through that many beauty treatments and care to the body had to produce a visible transformation. It worked for Esther...she became queen! So I set out to do my own version. But beauty is not just external so I stated thinking about a whole person transformation. I came up with seven area I would concentrate on to make my own transformation.

1.) SOCIAL This is where I concentrated on intensifying my relationships. Being more honest in my interactions and telling people I loved, "I love you." My family is closer to this day as a result!

2.)PHYSICAL This is where I made a commitment to my body. I started getting my hair done at the salon on a regular, I started my pedicures and manicures. Bubble baths were a regular! I changed my diet to make healthier everyday choices. I worked out like a maniac too....I was in the BEST shape of my life at the end of that year!

3.)INTELLECTUAL This is where I began my art library and made a commitment to read and read often. I love reading spiritual books and art related themes. I also included active participation to plays and museum visits and keep music playing throughout my day. That has not changed to this day!

4.)EMOTIONAL This is where I really paid attention to my hormone levels and learned how my body handles stress so I could best counter it. I made a commitment to my twins to have honest interaction with them and treat them as individuals and not just "kids"....so we PLAY HARD!!! So of the most creative ideas came out of my house that year, however we still are pretty out there in our home. smile

5.)ENVIRONMENTAL This is where I considered the world around me. Madi and Wave were the best help here. We started recycling on a regular and built bird houses for the birds. We even started a garden in the backyard. We talked a lot about nature and how beautiful God's creation is.

6.)OCCUPATIONAL Here I wrote out specific goals for my military career.....ALL WERE REALIZED! This is were I started taking serious my art as a business and made specific plans for my art studio which was finished in 2010!!! smile

7.)SPIRITUAL Prayer and meditation was critical in my transformation! (something I think I sort of lost sight of) I made a specific list of area I really wanted to grow in....Forgiveness, Grace, Self-Control, Server attitude. Sharing my gifts was a big part too. (I gave a lot of art away...smile)

2008....Now THAT was a GREAT year!!! So much of what I learned about myself and my world has stayed with me from that experience. It was such a refreshing reminder as I embark on a new challenge for 2011. Time with Pam made me realize how important it is not to forget our successes and to DREAM BIG! ...oh and by the way, Pam has taken to my Year of Silence quite naturally! We were texting each other while she did my hair! She had me crackin' up!!!

Daily Diary

How cool is this?
This week is my first week back to work at my kids school teaching art during my silence. The class consists of 3 to 6 year old precious and energetic children. They did the typical buzz around me as I set up my art supplies asking, "Are you an artist?" My responses were mostly gestural with some sign sprinkled in. Then the cutest thing happened....
A tiny little girl comes in close to me and starts signing, "Nice to meet you." I was so excited I signed back, "Thank you." and we began a mini conversation in sign while I set my supplies up. What was even sweeter was her classmates thought that was the coolest thing and began asking her how did she know sign and she became the translator for the rest of the class. That had to be empowering for this little girl no more than 5. smile
Needless to say, I had a blast and can't wait to go in today!

Ok...to switch gears....I have been noticing a slight physiological change. It feels as though I have constant phlegm in my throat. Clearing my throat has become a normal occurrence now. It's this lump in my throat that will not go away no matter how hard I swallow or clear my throat. Lozenges provide some comfort.
Another observation is that because I am not opening and closing my mouth frequently, as does happen during talking, my mouth is soooooo dry. You know how your mouth feels when you wake up in the morning?....Dry, and your teeth are in need of brushing? Cotton-mouth even. Well that is how my mouth feels ALL day. I am constantly using mouthwash and brushing my teeth throughout the day. I'm flossing a lot with the floss sticks too. I'm sure I'll have a STELLAR dentist visit!

The doctor is in....

In the last week a few people have asked, "Do you have any medical worries about not using your voice for a year?". "Have you talked to a doctor about damage to your vocal cords?". "What if there is non-reversible damage to your vocal cords from not using them, similar to muscle damage during stroke?".

All the people who asked these questions were either family members or very close friends and their concern comes from a place of love and support. I appreciate the honest and enthusiastic way people have responded to my journey. Thank you!!!!

So now the answer....Yes, I talked to my doctor before starting this adventure. He explained the physiological effects on the vocal cords from not using them. Nothing earth shattering. Basically when I resume talking normally I will have a very sore throat. He suggested I keep throat lozenges with me to keep my throat lubricated. Not talking tends to make the throat dry.

The other aspect of this is that I will still be producing sound. I laugh, cough, hum and respond to yes and no questioning with sound. I do not have a medical condition that is causing me to fall silent. I am merely choosing to not use spoken words as a form of expression. So my vocal cords are not laying dormant for a year, but will be used in other ways.

I am not afraid of change. In the event there is permanent damage in any way, I will take it as part of my journey and it will be handled accordingly. Getting caught up on the "what ifs" was never my style. I don't use fear to inhibit my movement. Analyzing, planing and critically thinking about things stimulates my actions.

Also when I think about the goals I have set before me, not speaking is the easy part and not the focus. Transformation is the true challenge - to purposefully put myself in a challenging situation to force a desired change. Now THAT is what shoots my concern-o-meter off the charts! Again to quote my best friend, " If you go to these lengths and not change...now that would be the tragedy." (no pressure...no pressure) So although not talking is not the going craze, will it help me get closer to my goals? Am I doing the physical things necessary to change my art? To change my perspective? To change my spirit? To change my life? Like in the movie the Truman Show, "How will it end?".

Inspiration comes in unexpected places...

In a conversation about inspiration and focus, a friend of mine suggested I watch the movie, Billy Elliot. I did, and I cried many times throughout watching it. It was a beautiful movie with an unusual storyline.

Basically the main character is an 11 year old boy who takes to ballet instead of boxing in his small town of Durham, England. The movie was packed with the challenges of making such a choice. Perceptions from adults, friends and family. Then the movie touched on the individual. Do we know what drives us? Why we do what we do? Or even why we choose or NOT choose a particular path? What about when something is so much a part of us....can it be stopped?....should it be stopped?

All great thoughts produced by the movie. I was inspired!!

Daily Diary

It has been a week.....let's see if I can recap. Memory is NOT my best trait!
The best word to describe my mental status is STEADY. New Years was spent with my children all day with no interaction with the outside world. They jumped right in with signing with me and they were able to figure out anything I needed to tell them. That felt good. Sunday I went to church by myself...Stacy stayed home with the kids; they had colds. Church was good. I was able to have several conversations without writing anything down. As usual I sat in the Deaf Ministry section to see the signing. I was comfortable and confident.
Monday I went to see my mom....She had a notepad for me to write on. Vi sting with her was the BEST. She encourages me. I was most taken by her gesture of support by buying a new phone with a text keyboard. Texting is something she said she would never do. So for her to buy a phone just so she can text to me during this year touches my heart!!! I love my mom!! She's cool. smile
Tuesday I had my back therapy. That was fun. They were anticipating me and tried to get me to talk. They were excited for me on this unusual journey. Wednesday I went to visit with my mommy. We sat and watched movies. She fed me ALOT of food!
Thursday was a typical day. I got up at 3am (like most mornings) to work in the studio until 7am. After bringing the kids to school I went to the gym. Some folks at the gym think I am deaf and mouth words instead of talking to me. Oh yeah...another observation. People want to touch me when they talk to me or talk real close. I just go with it. Communication is happening.
I've been making the 9:15 spin class. Intense! Now is the tricky part...everyday has been different after the gym. Its like I don't know what to do with myself. I can do ANYTHING, but I lack the focus to make it happen. I do lunch and then it is any ones guess. I think I will use that as more time in the studio once I have a major project up and running. Right now I just feel LOST mid day! I'm sure I'll work it out.
One of my biggest frustrations so far is trying to communicate with Stacy. He doesn't know sign and barely remembers the signing alphabet. So most of the time I have to write things down and that can be tiring. He is very good at picking up gestures though. We just have to come up with some sort of compromise.
In a conversation with my best friend, he made an excellent point to get my focus back. He said, "This year is about producing art and NOT about not talking. Not talking is the easy part. It would be a tragedy if you spent the year not talking and had NO art to show for it! That would be the disappointment, NOT you slipping up with a word here or there." With a pep talk from Marz I was ready for what was next.
Friday probably was the most stimulating of days. I did the usual 3am studio visit. This time however, I set up six stations for six different art projects. Two oil paintings (one large, one small), watercolor butterfly piece, pen & ink piece, sketching station and a drawing station to work out ideas for future paintings. It was invigorating! I video recorded my work and sketched a self-portrait. Stacy brought the kids to school so I went right to the gym.
The kids had a half day so I picked them up.....that's when things got exciting. I wanted to see the classroom I will be teaching in next week. So I went in to get Madi and Wave. I had to interact with parents, teachers and children. All using sign, gesture and writing stuff down. Everyone was so receptive.
When asked, "Why is your mother talking in sign language?" The twins were proud to say, "It's her year of silence". Just that simple. Madi was having Steph over for a play date so I invite two other classmates for Wave to play with at our house. So with five active kids at my house we had and extreme play date until 5pm!!! The kids had a blast! I ordered their favorite - PIZZA! Fun was had by all.... the evening came to a tranquil end. The twins watched movies until bedtime.
...and here I am doing my early morning studio thang. It is peaceful up here. Outside is beautiful. A snow storm hit and everything is white.
Peace happens.

Daily Diary

Any entry with the title Daily Diary will be used to document observations about myself, emotional states, physiological effects, and detailed journaling throughout my Year of Silence. The hope is to have a written reccord of my journey to accompany the visual art produced at the same time.

I will also continue posting my typical entries with pictures. These entries are thought provoking insights used to stimulate dialogue.

Speak it into existence....

About a week ago I was having an inspirational conversation with my baby birth mother and we were talking about how God manifested our existence with a word. The word became flesh. Think about it....to just speak creation into existence. We spend most of our days toiling, trying to create anything. We want all kinds of stuff...cars, clothes, computers, cell phones, stuff upon stuff, a better marriage, better children, or a better life. What if we could just speak these into existence?

A couple things instantly come to mind......then what would we fill "time" with? Would it make us realize finally that time is truly relative? Would it makes us more spiritual and see that material stuff is meaningless but appreciating the connection with each other is paramount.

...then there's the belief that we can create from a word. With the awesome power of God inside us we can do some pretty incredible things.....anything even. Couple that with free will and we can choose what to create.

Haven't we all created "stuff" from a word? Let's say that during that argument we chose to fall silent and NOT use hurtful words? Would domestic violence be as prevalent? What about the friend that we knew was hurting and we chose to speak an encouraging word? Would that thought of suicide in them dissipate?

Now let's dream BIG.....what about all our lives? Imagine manifesting the best possible life for our relationships, our children and the world with a word? What would you say to make that happen?

I choose the word LOVE.

Life is a bowl of cherries....

Happy New Year!!!

Woke up quiet. Lots of hugs and kisses showered my children who were sleeping like angels. We had THE BEST new year's eve ever! Hanging out with my best friend, his wife and kids was awesome! They stayed the night and the kids played and played until they passed out. The kids watched movies on the ceiling, built Legos, ROCKED OUT, played Wii, ran around the house playing hide and go seek, let their imaginations soar and just had good ol fashioned FUN!!! The four adults joined in all the reindeer games! When Wave got up in the morning he said, "I didn't know we were having a slumber party!" smile

We had a blast! With plenty to feast on and drink, no one had a care in the world and the time flew by. It was four in the afternoon New Year's eve when things started to wind down. Marz and his family had to get back on the road and make the exodus back to New York to get ready to bring in the New Year. The back roads got them home in record time. smile

THAT IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT....FAMILY! Instead of going to a party this year Stacy, the kids and I went to my Mommy's house to spend quality time together. We then went home and brought in the new year snuggled up saying "I love you" until the clock struck 12. So as I bring in the new year ready for my new journey of "the Year of Silence" the last words spoken in 2010 were "I love you" into the ears of my husband and children. Life truly is a bowl of cherries! smile

Here goes nothing.....spoken words that is.

Well the time is arriving shortly here when I take on the journey of silence. 10 more days of "trying to get my point across".

Its funny how just the decision to do something extraordinary takes on a life of its own. What follows is expectation, success, failure and all sorts of conflicting emotions that need to be sorted and hung out to dry. But in the end being alive is what matters. How ever our journeys unfold, what's important is that we are alive while we live through them. Not just with a pulse but with fire coursing through our veins; with PASSION.

I feel in a dream-like state. I'm noticing my every move. How I listen, how I talk, how I respond....all with the anticipation of how will I fair when I can not rely on words to get the point across? Interesting observations to say the least. What I am finding most common is that I have no idea what I am talking about! Not in content but in words. I know what I feel and what I WANT to say most times, but the words come out garbled and twisted. Even my best friend is confused by my wordy antics. When I speak it come out alphabet soup! How am I to use a language effectively I haven't even mastered? I'm finding more often than not, that sometimes there just doesn't exist a word for a particular feeling or thought. So how does one get those ideas across?

I'm going to be quiet now.......making sense is overrated.

First Day on the Job!!!

The first day at my kids school as the resident artist for the year was surreal! I was completely in my comfort zone. The kids were very receptive and gathered round while I did my preliminary sketches. I will be working on an acrylic painting all week of a sunflower still life.

Ahhhhhhh! HEAVEN ON EARTH!

T x Pp + A = Creation (I can handle simple math)

In coming out of my coma for the last month, I began to think about the process of thought and how it relates to the manifestation of the physical world. What is thought? This invisible sensation....Is it part of or separate from the physical body? A chemical reaction perhaps? The mind-body dichotomy is perplexing.

Everything we create starts with the idea (content of cognition) that becomes the thought (forms conceived in the mind).....from there the magic happens! With forks to eat our food, chairs to sit in, toys to play with, cars to drive, our laptops and computers, to the many buildings that make up our cities....we create a lot of stuff. This physical world is our "proof" of thought. Our hands create what we think. The thoughts we have excite our neurons which fire across synapses and the messages travel from the brain to stimulate the nerve cells that contract our muscles and we move....our hands hold the tools that craft the things we conceive in our minds. God's creation is truly remarkable!

Theoretically "we" manifest good and evil concepts into tangible "products". Its choice. We choose to focus our attention, exercise our minds or power of reason in order to make inferences, decisions, or arrive at solutions or judgements. I have the ability to translate any state of mind into palpable works; through human perceptual experiences, dependant on stimuli from the external world, I can turn thought into positive or negative objects that can be touched or felt.

The same way I receive external stimuli to affect my decision making; I can create works that do the same for others. Creating artwork infused with feelings to evoke emotional sensations that stimulate the mind to action. The power to change the world lies within me - awaiting the ideas to form that cause the thoughts that excite the nerves that move the body that creates the artwork to stimulate someone else's mind into action.

So if I take my THOUGHTS (T) and multiply that by the PHYSICAL POTENTIAL (Pp) adding in my talent for ART (A) I get CREATION..... T x Pp + A = CREATION! (who says artists are bad at math? smile)

When you can't get stained glass......use spray paint!

We are created the way we are. I was born an African American of fair skin. Light skinneded they call it. High Yella. Redbone. Mulatto. Mutt. Stuck-up! All sorts of colorful labels. From the time I entered school to this day I feel the effects of peoples judgements - for and against me just because of my skin color. We haven't even considered my socioeconomic status or my level of education. What I have or don't have. Or what about my choice in dress and appearance? That's an accurate body of information to thrust labels and judgements upon, right? All that nonsense is but mere distraction, a road block of sorts.
No matter what our substance or appearance is, we are all viable. We use what we got to make it happen. Whatever that "it" is. Notice the church with spray painted windows because stained glass is expensive and hard to come by, "not having" doesn't stop them. Isn't the point of the church, to meet together and worship? Who cares what the windows look like? And if you're hung up on what the church looks like...you missed the point.

I listened attentively to a very wise person this weekend. The words cut but I need to hear them. I don't want to miss the point. We talked concerning my art studio. I have been spending alot of time obsessing and worrying about all the fine details in finishing its construction. Like--- the baseboard molding, a few more outlets, a fire detector, and finishing touches on cosmetics...blah blah blah. I am the closest I have ever been to having a pristine space solely for the creation of art. The advice was for me not to loose sight of my goal. (to create) Stop and realize what I ALREADY have. So what every little detail is not in place! What already exist is phenomenal. I was warned against loosing my hunger. There are people with far less and it does not stop them from staying focused on what moves them. No label or status is going to stop them from actively dreaming and doing. The substance is already inside me. I don't need pretty walls to create. The fact that I have pretty walls is simply a blessing. I could be in four walls and a toilet and the desire to create would not diminish. So what I don't have stained glass! Get a can of spray paint! Create! Stop waiting!

Give me another hit daddy....

We all have our drug....our vice, that thing that consumes and moves us. You know, that thing we CRAVE! Whether its a mind altering substance or our ability to alter the mind, we need it. Seemingly at least for the moment. We just "can't" live without it. It's borderline obsession... or a compulsion... or an obsessive compulsion! In any event, we desire to satisfy our oral fixations, fidgety behavior, sweats, hungers, itches, pains, laughter, compulsions of every kind. Good or bad we all have our drug. We all have our price too!

And for the price of about 50 cents over a pack of cigarettes, I gain access into a figure drawing class.

It begins on the drive over. Unquenchable anticipation as if I have a rendezvous with a secret lover. The excitement builds. I can't wait to set up my supplies...my paraphernalia if you will. The clean sheet of paper before me calls me. It knows my name. It knows what I want. Carefully I select my tool of choice. I feel everything. The light in the room. The heat and energy around me. The sounds of noiseless chatter. My body vibrates with excitement. Is that a drop of sweat? I begin to feel lightheaded. It is as though my feet have left the ground and I am floating...invisible. The model is poised. Before I even begin I study the lines and shapes before me. I notice how beautifully the shadows fall in place. The curves and forms draw me in. The first stroke is most satisfying to my addiction, but I need MORE! Three hours of bliss. My hand glides across page after glorious page of nothing more than compressed charcoal making marks on ground up and pulverized dried trees. Yet for me it is the place where space and time stand still. The eternity. The possibility. The miracle.

Now I have to wait a whole week for my next fix. I'll be itching and scratching until the next time. Maybe I'll need four hours....

Puppeteering

I've been thinking a lot about freedom lately. All types of freedom. Freedom of spirit. Freedom of mind. Freedom of speech. Freedom to move. We crave freedom. We even wish we had wings to be free to fly. Then it dawned on me. How do we know anything about freedom when "we" as the human race try so desperately to control everything? We try to control time with clocks, control space with mortgages, control water with bottles, control nature with zoos, control people with marriage. We've become masters at controlling things... or trying to control things. All types of manipulation have become our best friend. When someone is moving too freely we use sarcasm and guilt to try and control their movement.

What are we afraid of?

It Is Finished....

This time of year has always been a time of reflection for me. It has almost been three years since the passing of my father. I love and miss him dearly. Remembering him is sweet.... I had a good long cry and now it is time to move forward and grow. With the kids at "grannybear's" and Stacy working, I spent the day dismantling my father's room. I lovingly save few items that are sentimental and then let go of the rest. The room will be the new room of my dad's namesake, Waveris my son. (who by the way is very excited to get the room!)

I LOVE YOU DADDY....YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME.

Blindsided once again....

We all have our stone to carry. Some carry smooth light stones, others heavy jagged ones, and still others may have granite, coral, marble or even coal! Then there are those who have diamonds... Our lot in life is uniquely "ours". I alone am responsible for my attitude and how I choose to encounter life. Typically I go through my day with this realization showing itself in some form or fashion. On the positive side I am a rock able to celebrate my individuality and the freedom of forging my own path. On the opposite end of the spectrum I may encounter criticism for the way I look, dress, think, interact with people or raise my children. Whether positive or negative my approach and response to life's many twists and turns is usually seasoned with ginger. My optimistic outlook is due partly because at a very young age I wholeheartedly believed in myself and accepted my choices, and partly because I am partly insane.
The opinions that really affect me are from my closest relationships. I was never one to acquire the attitude of caring what the populous thought. I am comfortable in my skin. Then there are days like today.... Incapacitated as if in quick sand. One small comment from someone I love dearly has burrowed its way into my self esteem and has taken a gut shot at my pride. Sometimes intellect and logic don't have a defense against the monster of emotion. Somewhere in my brain I know I am not supposed to be emotionally crushed so easily. However, my love and respect for this person has worked against me like kryptonite. I am rendered powerless. Being vulnerable hurts... oh yeah that's what happens when you leave yourself vulnerable. I guess my stone has cracks in it.

Tranquility

Sitting on my porch, early, on a rainy Sunday morning reading a good book. I'm reminded to accept and appreciate the beauty around me. To be still and stop trying to find that peace someplace else. If I just stay quiet for a moment I realize that tranquility is always within reach.

Grace leading to gratitude...

As I watch my twins peacefully sleep, tears flow down my cheek. How did we get here? Not existence, but in our particular situation. Choice. We make big choices, small daily choices and every kind of choice in between. I remember praying long and hard for the family I have today. But praying isn’t the only way they got here. God gave grace. Action followed those prayers. My choices followed those prayers. When I look back on the past 8 years of my twins precious lives I see so clearly how I made some sound and just choices for our well being. Then I am equally reminded of the very stupid and damaging choices I have made that could potentially harm the well being of my family. And still God gives grace. I didn’t DO anything to deserve a blessed life and yet God allows me to fall on my face, make my mistakes, have faulty opinions, make poor judgments, think selfishly, and have bad attitudes; all with total acceptance of who I am. Despite my flaws I am allowed to experience some of the most beautiful things in this world. Like a random hug from my son or a kiss on the cheek with an “I love you” from my daughter. I have the ability to watch them while they sleep without a worry in the world.

So I want to take time out and remember what I am truly grateful for…

A husband who is willing to work one million hours to provide for his family and love us beyond worldly limits, a best friend who accepts, understands and loves me just because I am me, a mommy who is a mother, sister and friend, a close knit family, children who exude joy, my first daughter who passed and the lessons she taught me of what family really means, meeting my father – having him live and die with me and experiencing all the wonders of getting to know an entire family I never had before, lifelong friendships, the option to stay home and pursue my dreams, my health, challenges in my life that help me grow into a better person, the free will to choose, my spirituality, and the beautiful details in nature – like: sunsets, the smell of flowers, ocean beaches, trees, birds, clouds and starry nights. I am grateful for the breath of life.

All's well that ends well...

Well, my "SAVE THE TATA'S" campaign was cut short. I was halfway there with my favorite color being pink and all....however, all the extra attention and test on my breast came back with benign results. Nothing to worry about. Technology showed in cyborg detail the inner workings of my inside parts. Quite amazing really!

This is the time of year when I have all my medical appointments scheduled. I've had my annual physical, nutritionist, GYN, dentist, eye doctor, back specialist, physical therapy and mammogram. So with all my physical test and procedures behind me, for at least another year, my mind is now free to get back to real healing - the healing of the spirit. The art studio as a living an breathing entity is making tremendous progress. The office is painted and I begin painting the bathroom today. I'm super excited!

I need to be in the studio.

Right now I feel like a fish out of water in most situations. As I observe myself while I interact with people, I find my mind struggling to stay engaged. Talk of the weather and what the neighbor did disinterests me. Yet I realize and agree that listening to others is an integral part of nurturing and maintaining that relationship. I'm craving more meaningful content to my conversations. Of course it is because of the space I'm in. When I was not so involved in my own growth I was much more tolerant of the daily "chatter"....I contributed considerably to the chatter as well. But seeing myself in a stagnant state un-nerved me. As progress is being made in the preparation of the art studio I gain strength in character. I am making forward movements towards my goal and that feels healthy. We'll see what I write about when I finally have paintbrush in hand working on and oil painting in my studio!

Vulnerability - The road less traveled....

For the past two days and this morning I have chest pains. I am crippled with anxiety. Anxiety is not one of my most familiar emotions, so I am thoroughly uncomfortable. Normally I am easy going and take things as they come, however I am not in my "normal" frame of mind. So I am feeling things I don't like.

Basically, my mind is all over the place.... I got sorta-kinda-possibly bad news from my doctor two days ago. My mammogram came back showing dense masses in both breasts, so I have to spend Tuesday morning receiving a series of test to determine if it is anything serious. I have been getting mammograms for the past 5 years and the recent images are considerably different. I usually don't worry unless there is something to worry about and even then my logical mind kicks in. Remember I am not in my strength. With that said, I'M WORRIED!

My mind races to all kinds of things I can not control in this very instant, which seems to me a crazy thing for the mind to do. Things like: How severe my back issues really are? Why worry when I am doing everything in my power to maintain a healthy back? My families health and well being issues. Namely my mother and both my brothers. The near completion of the art studio which has been "under construction" for more than a few years now. Its completion is so close I can taste it.

And of course as we get to the bottom of the list we get to "the bottom" of what the real cause of my anxiety is.... for the past two days me and my best friend have hit a road block. So severe that the usual courtesies are withdrawn. I spent the first day hurt, crying and feeling ignored (which to me is the worse feeling known to man). Then the second day I was angry and called myself "taking a stand" giving my own silent treatment. That did nothing but make matters worse - for me of course. And now MY calls are being ignored. Touche'! Its a no-brainer...NEVER act out in anger or pain! Stick to the truth about what is felt and RESPOND in love (even when someone hurts you). Only then can you be free from guilt, pain and anxiety. Negative emotions can not touch you when you act in the true spirit of love. That is the lesson in "The truth shall set you free." Where was my sound mind and advice two days ago? I did not respond in love when I was hurt. So now I sit here with chest pains and an upset stomach. Not a place I want to frequent. Its my BEST friend....

I'll get a call, right?.......

In order to take my transformation serious - I'm committed to gut-wrenching honesty with my vulnerabilities. Exposing what my true feelings are so that I may experience them in the moment (and subject them to criticism). To really FEEL in the now and dissect if those feelings really have merit and perhaps change my behavior.

Being vulnerable maybe the road less traveled, but I pray it gets me to my destination.

Construction continues...

While the art studio continues to be in a perpetual state of construction...that is what my spirit feels like - UNDER CONSTRUCTION! It seems that when you are going through life with no real plans, things seem easy. Then the second you make your mind up to make some changes, here come the challenges. I'm ready! Bring 'um on! I will not be shaken by mere mortal toilings.

Thorn in my side?

Well at least for me, modern technology has proved to be a good thing. The diagnosis was clean cut and explained thoroughly with charts and graphs to back up the intellect. The epidural was textbook. Everything worked out to the letter. Before the epidural I was unable to walk for several days and then I had to use a cane. After the epidural -I have minimal pain. Prognosis....it depends on me. Will I be a good girl or not and stay conscience of the mechanics of my back? I need to be vigilant against the perils of a poor diet and non-existent exercise. I should be fine if I take care of myself with a healthy lifestyle and NO BUNGEE JUMPING! Awwwww, now I have to cancel that bungee class. I will of course continue therapy on my back and continue to take it easy. A bad back is no joke.

So, NOT LIKE Frida, a broke back is not the thorn in my side.

Catch 22 or Destiny?

Wondering if with "modern science"....Frida Kahlo would have had the treatment she needed? But then would there exist her art?

Relief is in sight....bed ridden now for 10 days, I go in to see a neurosurgeon today. My appointment with him yesterday was very eye-opening. He explained to me on the computer what my MRI showed. Basically, I have one large herniated disk and a smaller one. Other issues included degenerative disks. That was all pretty much known to me already.....he shed light on the topic when he showed me that a piece of my spinal column had chipped off at the disk herniation. The chip is what was re-aggravating the area creating extreme muscle spasms making it unable for me to walk. Thankfully, surgery is not necessary.

I will receive an epidural to decrease the effects of the herniated disk. The chip will reabsorb into my body over time and I will continue therapy to reduce the muscle spasms along with pain management. I should be up and at um in no time. Long term treatment will consist of me being very conscience of my back, physical therapy, swimming therapy and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Open and shut case.

Now back to the business at hand....this is no comparison to Frida, but it does make me wonder about the things we do go through and how much of it we pay attention to. What molds us? What influences us? What inspires us? What circumstances bring out the BEST in us?

Wonder Twins

They inspire me to follow my passion!

The Frida Connection

Frida Kahlo - The Broken Column 1944

It has been 6 days that I have been bed ridden. My back gave out and went into severe spasm leaving me unable to walk. I need help to use the bathroom. The pain is so unbearable I don't eat or sleep. After tests and therapy the doctors have diagnosed me with a herniated disk and extreme back spasms rendering me with very limited mobility. The laundry list of heavy duty prescribed drugs are doing nothing to relieve the pain. This is a mere fraction of pain what Frida went through but I can see clearly how my pain has focused my energy towards my creativity. I do admit it is a lonely lot not for the weary of heart!

There is a quiet irony between me and Frida.... Frida Kahlo is one of my all time favorite artist for many reasons. Her imagery hits straight to the heart of her pain. She can show beauty and pain in a harmonious dance on the canvas. Her work screams intelligence, passion and suffering lovingly painted. In studying her life there are so many parallels between us. There are similarities that hit close to home and make me feel like I have known her intimately . Her accident that left her incapacitated for some time is the very thing that transformed her into a phenomenal artist. Isn't that the irony of life? Some of the most traumatic incidents in our life takes us on a journey that transform us into incredible individuals.

Confinement to a bed allows for lots of time to think...

LEARNING SIGN LANGUAGE - ABC's

SIGNING CIRCLE

Shall we begin?....

Art is life!