Sunday, April 24, 2011

Is that a Pube hair coming in?

My own silence is loud. I am currently sifting through the noise.
The spring time generally brings about the energy of change and impatience for me. It is actually my most dreaded of the seasons. How can that be?.... EVERYONE loves spring, right? The newness, the freshness, the feeling of hope and promise. NOT!

To me spring is like puberty. Its all awkward. The flowers are trying to burst through the hard soil; the grass hasn't quite figured out what its doing. Its wet and muddy....even cold still. When the trees finally begin to bud their colors are muted and unsure. All around the colors of spring are pale at best. It feels like a lot going on at once. We are constantly on the edge of our seats waiting for something to happen. GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

In my own mind the same thing is going on during the spring. Plans that have been dormant during the winter are trying to burst through. There are many "to do list" to keep track of..... internally and externally. I want to rearrange the rooms in my house, paint the walls, and reorganize closet spaces. There's the garage that needs emptying as well as the basement. The kids have out grown their school clothes from the Fall and Winter, so shopping for clothes is in order. Friends and family are coming out of their hibernation and want to start planning get-to-gathers.

Then there is the internal space in my mind.... prioritizing the many art projects that are ongoing. What and when to create is a constant battle. The balancing act of taking care of my children, keeping my house in order, preparing my art lessons to teach, adapting to my husband's schedule and fitting in family time and creative time all swirl about in my head.

In Autumn I am my strongest; contemplative and introspective; guided and determined. The commander of my ship! Spring.... forget it. I'm all over the place. My spirit feels it too.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Girls....sugar and spice and everything nice!

After hanging out with the old crew, it gave me a lot to think about. How can a night out of Karaoke make someone so contemplative? Well, during one of our faux non-smoke breaks folks were joking around and talking about random stuff. I basically laughed the whole night. Then someone said something that made me really think about what we carry around inside us.
My ex-boss in his blunt jovial manner says to the group.... "I finally figured it out...should I tell her?" He gets a few nods and then proceeds to address me saying, "I figured out what your year of silence is really all about. You figure that if you are not talking then the attention is forced to be on you."

If only he knew what is really going on.... This has been the loneliest experience of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am in a bubble. Untouchable, and not in the protected from all harm mob meaning. My core friendships have dissipated. No one really wants to hang out with someone who is not able to talk back or give a verbal response. So the attention I get is in my own head. I think about EVERYTHING! Probably too much now.

The up side is that I am much more mindful of the choice of words I use. Words are a powerful tool that can build up or tear down. My opinion is not needed or required. The world will keep on spinning whether I'm on it or not. So while I am here I want my words to add and not take-away.

All I could do was smile and shake my head. If there was a moment in this year so far that I really wanted to say was that moment. However, it was good that I did not get to say a word. It made me think about something. I mean really think and meditate on the topic of : What is really inside us?

If we were transparent, what would people see?

We go through this life trying to do whatever it is we are called to do. We move and process; we respond and grow; we achieve and make mistakes. All the while people's perception of us seems to be askew. How people "see" us rarely matches up with how we see ourselves. I'm no master communicator and for me it seems I'm constantly being misinterpreted, misunderstood or just plain mis-ed. So what's really in there?

On the OUTSIDE I have been told I am outgoing, confident, arrogant, beautiful, selfish, loud, fun, pushy, opinionated, honest, cheerful, fake, raw, faithful, independent, and a host of other words. However, how I see myself on the INSIDE is quite different. I'd be more inclined to describe myself as average on all levels. I think one of my most outstanding qualities is that I will go "all in" during group activities. My desire is to have fun and be an encourager. I encourage, by not being shy. I will do the stuff others may be apprehensive to do. My hope is to lead by example and hopefully make others feel comfortable enough to let their guard down so they can have fun too. Obviously, the intent can be mistaken for an attention hog.

Something else struck me....when I think about what I have inside I am burdened with depressive thoughts. There is a constant duality I live with. On the thinking and intuitive level I am very optimistic. Yet on the feeling and emotional side I am sad and melancholy. I'm always looking to be understood...but maybe, JUST MAYBE... the quiet charm of a crazy artist is to be misunderstood.