Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Blindsided once again....

We all have our stone to carry. Some carry smooth light stones, others heavy jagged ones, and still others may have granite, coral, marble or even coal! Then there are those who have diamonds... Our lot in life is uniquely "ours". I alone am responsible for my attitude and how I choose to encounter life. Typically I go through my day with this realization showing itself in some form or fashion. On the positive side I am a rock able to celebrate my individuality and the freedom of forging my own path. On the opposite end of the spectrum I may encounter criticism for the way I look, dress, think, interact with people or raise my children. Whether positive or negative my approach and response to life's many twists and turns is usually seasoned with ginger. My optimistic outlook is due partly because at a very young age I wholeheartedly believed in myself and accepted my choices, and partly because I am partly insane.
The opinions that really affect me are from my closest relationships. I was never one to acquire the attitude of caring what the populous thought. I am comfortable in my skin. Then there are days like today.... Incapacitated as if in quick sand. One small comment from someone I love dearly has burrowed its way into my self esteem and has taken a gut shot at my pride. Sometimes intellect and logic don't have a defense against the monster of emotion. Somewhere in my brain I know I am not supposed to be emotionally crushed so easily. However, my love and respect for this person has worked against me like kryptonite. I am rendered powerless. Being vulnerable hurts... oh yeah that's what happens when you leave yourself vulnerable. I guess my stone has cracks in it.

Monday, August 23, 2010


Sitting on my porch, early, on a rainy Sunday morning reading a good book. I'm reminded to accept and appreciate the beauty around me. To be still and stop trying to find that peace someplace else. If I just stay quiet for a moment I realize that tranquility is always within reach.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Grace leading to gratitude...

As I watch my twins peacefully sleep, tears flow down my cheek. How did we get here? Not existence, but in our particular situation. Choice. We make big choices, small daily choices and every kind of choice in between. I remember praying long and hard for the family I have today. But praying isn’t the only way they got here. God gave grace. Action followed those prayers. My choices followed those prayers. When I look back on the past 8 years of my twins precious lives I see so clearly how I made some sound and just choices for our well being. Then I am equally reminded of the very stupid and damaging choices I have made that could potentially harm the well being of my family. And still God gives grace. I didn’t DO anything to deserve a blessed life and yet God allows me to fall on my face, make my mistakes, have faulty opinions, make poor judgments, think selfishly, and have bad attitudes; all with total acceptance of who I am. Despite my flaws I am allowed to experience some of the most beautiful things in this world. Like a random hug from my son or a kiss on the cheek with an “I love you” from my daughter. I have the ability to watch them while they sleep without a worry in the world.

So I want to take time out and remember what I am truly grateful for…

A husband who is willing to work one million hours to provide for his family and love us beyond worldly limits, a best friend who accepts, understands and loves me just because I am me, a mommy who is a mother, sister and friend, a close knit family, children who exude joy, my first daughter who passed and the lessons she taught me of what family really means, meeting my father – having him live and die with me and experiencing all the wonders of getting to know an entire family I never had before, lifelong friendships, the option to stay home and pursue my dreams, my health, challenges in my life that help me grow into a better person, the free will to choose, my spirituality, and the beautiful details in nature – like: sunsets, the smell of flowers, ocean beaches, trees, birds, clouds and starry nights. I am grateful for the breath of life.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

All's well that ends well...

Well, my "SAVE THE TATA'S" campaign was cut short. I was halfway there with my favorite color being pink and all....however, all the extra attention and test on my breast came back with benign results. Nothing to worry about. Technology showed in cyborg detail the inner workings of my inside parts. Quite amazing really!

This is the time of year when I have all my medical appointments scheduled. I've had my annual physical, nutritionist, GYN, dentist, eye doctor, back specialist, physical therapy and mammogram. So with all my physical test and procedures behind me, for at least another year, my mind is now free to get back to real healing - the healing of the spirit. The art studio as a living an breathing entity is making tremendous progress. The office is painted and I begin painting the bathroom today. I'm super excited!

I need to be in the studio.

Right now I feel like a fish out of water in most situations. As I observe myself while I interact with people, I find my mind struggling to stay engaged. Talk of the weather and what the neighbor did disinterests me. Yet I realize and agree that listening to others is an integral part of nurturing and maintaining that relationship. I'm craving more meaningful content to my conversations. Of course it is because of the space I'm in. When I was not so involved in my own growth I was much more tolerant of the daily "chatter"....I contributed considerably to the chatter as well. But seeing myself in a stagnant state un-nerved me. As progress is being made in the preparation of the art studio I gain strength in character. I am making forward movements towards my goal and that feels healthy. We'll see what I write about when I finally have paintbrush in hand working on and oil painting in my studio!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Vulnerability - The road less traveled....

For the past two days and this morning I have chest pains. I am crippled with anxiety. Anxiety is not one of my most familiar emotions, so I am thoroughly uncomfortable. Normally I am easy going and take things as they come, however I am not in my "normal" frame of mind. So I am feeling things I don't like.
Basically, my mind is all over the place.... I got sorta-kinda-possibly bad news from my doctor two days ago. My mammogram came back showing dense masses in both breasts, so I have to spend Tuesday morning receiving a series of test to determine if it is anything serious. I have been getting mammograms for the past 5 years and the recent images are considerably different. I usually don't worry unless there is something to worry about and even then my logical mind kicks in. Remember I am not in my strength. With that said, I'M WORRIED!

My mind races to all kinds of things I can not control in this very instant, which seems to me a crazy thing for the mind to do. Things like: How severe my back issues really are? Why worry when I am doing everything in my power to maintain a healthy back? My families health and well being issues. Namely my mother and both my brothers. The near completion of the art studio which has been "under construction" for more than a few years now. Its completion is so close I can taste it.

And of course as we get to the bottom of the list we get to "the bottom" of what the real cause of my anxiety is.... for the past two days me and my best friend have hit a road block. So severe that the usual courtesies are withdrawn. I spent the first day hurt, crying and feeling ignored (which to me is the worse feeling known to man). Then the second day I was angry and called myself "taking a stand" giving my own silent treatment. That did nothing but make matters worse - for me of course. And now MY calls are being ignored. Touche'! Its a no-brainer...NEVER act out in anger or pain! Stick to the truth about what is felt and RESPOND in love (even when someone hurts you). Only then can you be free from guilt, pain and anxiety. Negative emotions can not touch you when you act in the true spirit of love. That is the lesson in "The truth shall set you free." Where was my sound mind and advice two days ago? I did not respond in love when I was hurt. So now I sit here with chest pains and an upset stomach. Not a place I want to frequent. Its my BEST friend....
I'll get a call, right?.......
In order to take my transformation serious - I'm committed to gut-wrenching honesty with my vulnerabilities. Exposing what my true feelings are so that I may experience them in the moment (and subject them to criticism). To really FEEL in the now and dissect if those feelings really have merit and perhaps change my behavior.
Being vulnerable maybe the road less traveled, but I pray it gets me to my destination.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Construction continues...

While the art studio continues to be in a perpetual state of construction...that is what my spirit feels like - UNDER CONSTRUCTION! It seems that when you are going through life with no real plans, things seem easy. Then the second you make your mind up to make some changes, here come the challenges. I'm ready! Bring 'um on! I will not be shaken by mere mortal toilings.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Thorn in my side?

Well at least for me, modern technology has proved to be a good thing. The diagnosis was clean cut and explained thoroughly with charts and graphs to back up the intellect. The epidural was textbook. Everything worked out to the letter. Before the epidural I was unable to walk for several days and then I had to use a cane. After the epidural -I have minimal pain. depends on me. Will I be a good girl or not and stay conscience of the mechanics of my back? I need to be vigilant against the perils of a poor diet and non-existent exercise. I should be fine if I take care of myself with a healthy lifestyle and NO BUNGEE JUMPING! Awwwww, now I have to cancel that bungee class. I will of course continue therapy on my back and continue to take it easy. A bad back is no joke.

So, NOT LIKE Frida, a broke back is not the thorn in my side.