Saturday, August 7, 2010

Vulnerability - The road less traveled....

For the past two days and this morning I have chest pains. I am crippled with anxiety. Anxiety is not one of my most familiar emotions, so I am thoroughly uncomfortable. Normally I am easy going and take things as they come, however I am not in my "normal" frame of mind. So I am feeling things I don't like.
Basically, my mind is all over the place.... I got sorta-kinda-possibly bad news from my doctor two days ago. My mammogram came back showing dense masses in both breasts, so I have to spend Tuesday morning receiving a series of test to determine if it is anything serious. I have been getting mammograms for the past 5 years and the recent images are considerably different. I usually don't worry unless there is something to worry about and even then my logical mind kicks in. Remember I am not in my strength. With that said, I'M WORRIED!

My mind races to all kinds of things I can not control in this very instant, which seems to me a crazy thing for the mind to do. Things like: How severe my back issues really are? Why worry when I am doing everything in my power to maintain a healthy back? My families health and well being issues. Namely my mother and both my brothers. The near completion of the art studio which has been "under construction" for more than a few years now. Its completion is so close I can taste it.

And of course as we get to the bottom of the list we get to "the bottom" of what the real cause of my anxiety is.... for the past two days me and my best friend have hit a road block. So severe that the usual courtesies are withdrawn. I spent the first day hurt, crying and feeling ignored (which to me is the worse feeling known to man). Then the second day I was angry and called myself "taking a stand" giving my own silent treatment. That did nothing but make matters worse - for me of course. And now MY calls are being ignored. Touche'! Its a no-brainer...NEVER act out in anger or pain! Stick to the truth about what is felt and RESPOND in love (even when someone hurts you). Only then can you be free from guilt, pain and anxiety. Negative emotions can not touch you when you act in the true spirit of love. That is the lesson in "The truth shall set you free." Where was my sound mind and advice two days ago? I did not respond in love when I was hurt. So now I sit here with chest pains and an upset stomach. Not a place I want to frequent. Its my BEST friend....
I'll get a call, right?.......
In order to take my transformation serious - I'm committed to gut-wrenching honesty with my vulnerabilities. Exposing what my true feelings are so that I may experience them in the moment (and subject them to criticism). To really FEEL in the now and dissect if those feelings really have merit and perhaps change my behavior.
Being vulnerable maybe the road less traveled, but I pray it gets me to my destination.


  1. You know its ironic that while reading this blog, one of the infamous Michael Jackson songs came on Pandora. So many, so many of them... which one is it...?? ;-) Someone once told me in so many words, that "Its not fair to the ones we love to keep "EvErY" emotion, which may even concern them at the time, hidden to ourselves. It not only hurts them, but it hurts us as well, at some point. To open my heart, my mind, my body and soul...taking a chance at what I percieved to possibly be harmful to me now (the present), if somewhere inside myself I knew that it could be a positive inspiration/influence in my future." Vulnerable...?? It doesnt necessarily have to be, despite the feeling. Furthermore, with prayer, and faithfully believing that one's prayers will be answered, EVERYONE will reach their desired destination; if it's God's will.

  2. Michelle after reading about your feelings and trying times I wish hope for the best for you. As one of your friends I hope communication between us can be decisive, open honest and most importantly respected. I have no reason to disrespect you and hope the feeling is mutual. For the most part I think were both down to earth. To whom ever your referring to I hope things work out. As far as your heart problems go I have had that scare myself luckily I was tested and tt was a misdiagnosis, but if turns out that it's something that needs attention make sure you get the best care or a second opinion. You have allot on your side. One a family two a strong body, and three opportunity to the best health care. For now I think it important for you to find relax in what ever way you can, family friends, god or art. I'll talk to you soon.
    Take care

  3. I KNOW that prayer changes things. I am praying for you Sis...Give thanks and praise in advance for your deliverance...You're more than a conquerer!