When the body and mind are not in sync it feels torturous. I know my body could use the rest but my mind will not shut off. My mind could use the rest but my body is fidgety. Random thoughts and images of conversations never to be had. Opinions never to be voiced. Should have, could have, would haves fill space time uselessly. All the activity of an inactive person. So why allow the mind to wander to such empty places?
There seems to be no choice. Something I am plagued with since a little girl. Split personalities. I have multiple characters living in my head. They have been there long before I can remember when they emerged. But they are there. Undoubtedly there. They take over when "i" am not performing to their liking, filling my head with chatter to steer me of course, onto some superficial plane of nothingness.
Then came a break through where they seemed to merge. A necessary person entered my life and showered me the path to myself. On this journey I became intimate with the artist within. My own voice was being heard not in an auditory way but silently and even stronger than the many. My artwork became personal and raw. I reached deep into the recesses of my past, lived in the moment and foresaw the future all on the same surface. Maybe they fell silent because they were in awe. The statements on canvas were so full there was no room for another voice. Or maybe they knew to just sit and wait....
I mistakenly thought we all became one. I was right to be mislead. Since there were no longer multiple voices and personalities vying for center stage, I was fooled to believe they melded together with in me and WITH me. I only heard one voice now...my own. Finally united. One person. One voice. Freedom.
However, the truth is I was fooled. There are two of us. Me and them! They silently watched as I arrogantly thought my thoughts were my own. Man's folly is his arrogance. I became confident that I was in control. I think, debate, analyze, think some more...analyze some more. I thought my way back to inactivity. That is their in! This carnal mind/body duel is a trap. I was never in control. I am a mere prisoner of this mind and body. My true freedom is outside of myself.
I reason within myself....and herein lies the problem! Thinking too much about thinking. Action is needed! Art is needed!
I'm allowing space and time to be filled with useless chatter! They win when I am stagnant. Sensing my weakness they surface and engage in a hostile take over. They fill my mind with all my flaws, misgivings, failures and shortcomings allowing in the judgement of others. They are the masters of replaying negative tapes of lies.
My art is the key. And when I say "art", I mean all avenues of expression. (Visual art, music, writing, poetry and the like) That is where true freedom lies.
When I am active in creation there is no sound. No voice. No chatter. No one.
The most powerful place to reside is where you lose yourself. Submission to the universe is where real oneness exists.
I am writing.
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