Here is a journal entry of mine from May 2001.
"I have moments of strength and moments of weakness.
- When I am down my body shakes and I can't stop moving. Its as if I am a caged animal under attack. Sometimes I feel helpless and invisible.
- My most pressing concern is feeling like a failure in multiple areas of my life. It started with the inability to have children. Everything stems from that.
- I also feel I'm unable to complete anything. That is a major exaggeration but crippling no less. That's why finishing school and staying in the military until I retire is so important to me.
- All of the qualities and character traits of the woman I want to be are right in front of me. I seem to never be able to reach her. Yet I know she exists. I only see the failure of not being her, instead of rejoicing in the challenge of becoming her.
I want to be ok with where I am. I put a lot of pressure on myself. "Perspective is everything. I sit here remembering the heavy heart and frustrations I bore. I am thankful that perseverance really does reap a reward.
Changing to an outward focus allowed peace to enter my soul. My tendency to worry was replaced with a calm resolve towards what "is". The truth set me free.
Today I can acknowledge the blessings showered upon me.
My "most pressing concern" of infertility was wiped away by the success of UCONN's fertility program. The 5 year struggle ended on March, 22, 2002 with the birth of our "wonder twins" Madi & Wave! The joy of my life. I can't imagine a time without them. Their birth instantly dissolved a lifetime of wanting and hurt. Their life continues to teach me humility and grace. I am grateful.
Feeling that I was unable to finish anything, stemmed from a scattered and unsettled mind. I lost my focus and patience. I allowed my mind to roam about with no direction or purpose. This produced a hopeless feeling inside me. A lie.
However, staying on course regardless of negative thinking, and not giving up proved to provide victory. I earned my Bachelors Degree in Art 5 years later. The accomplishment of that moment gave purpose and carried the honor of being the first immediate family member to have graduated college since 1929. That is both sad and hopeful.
I can honestly say, retiring from the military after 21 years of faithful service was exhilarating! I took on that challenge, one day at a time. There were MANY times along that road I thought to just get out, however, being of my word and finishing what I started became a model for my life. It also has left an unexpectedly positive impression on my children. They carry with them a tangible sense of pride that their mother stayed the course, served in the United States military and helped people.
My most precious gift was reaching and getting to know the woman within; the woman I was to become! Countless hours have been spent evaluating and re-evaluating my character. Refinement is a daily undertaking. The challenge is refreshing and restores my soul. I am constantly on a quest to improve as a human being. Remaining open to the positive forces of the universe allow for such internal change. My desire was and continues to be to grow in all the virtues - love, faith, patience, joy, peace, kindness, grace, integrity, truth, honesty, wisdom, excellence, generosity, service, goodness, humility and the like.
Although, I have grown exponentially since my 2001 journal entry, I am light years away from my enlighten true self. This is a journey that will carry me through to my grave.
I am ok with where I am. No pressure.