Asthma ain't fun! Watching my son struggle for breath is excruciating. I'm painstakingly reminded how our bodies are helpless and susceptible to all sorts of physical maladies. It is the spirit that is resilient and the mind that is determined.
He tosses... turns... coughs... repeat. Fighting for a single comfortable breath. I'm sitting here taking for granted the ease at which I effortlessly inhale and exhale. My mind is free to wander off to far away places unencumbered. While he is shackled to only thoughts of breathing.
This is the time I contemplate life. Choices. Paths. Direction. ....guilt...
My relationship with my son has evolved into a dance of sorts. Back and forth debates. Mental jousting. As he develops into a young man, I feel the responsibility of helping him grow in character. Love. Patience. Kindness. Respect. Generosity. Responsibility. Ownership. Confidence. Resolve.
These lessons can come from me in an aggressive manner, as if seizing the moment requires a stern hand. Wave can feel under attack by me. I dismiss the very attributes of the character traits I'm trying to employ. Gentleness is my lack.
Looking at him helplessly struggle for air, the only thing I want to do is embrace my baby and give him the very breath in my lungs.
Over the last 8 years I have made marked changes in my approach to "handling things." I used to be quieter, non-abrasive, non-confrontational, willing to let others opinions take the floor. Life can change you. In my frustration of feeling my perspective was always ignored or belittled, I was told repeatedly.... "the sqeaky wheel gets the grease." I took that to heart, but it has taken on a life of its own, where now, I embody a clanging gong.... wordy, loud, forceful aggressive, not willing to let others over talk me....or out wit me.
My confession: as I watch my son struggle for air, I feel guilty for all the times I aggressively tried to change him. He is truly a sweet soul.... and I'm left here wondering just how damaging my aggression is to his overall well being.
The lesson here is for me. To return to my true self... to nurture, listen, love, gently guide, be open, welcome differences, be humble and allow others to just be and be ok with that. My opinion is not the only or best in the room. I can stand to learn a thing or two from someone else's struggle. It's not all about the "wisdom" I'm trying to impart all the time. True wisdom is seen over time in action. Consistency. Speaking volumes visually without words. I miss that part of me. I'm reconnecting.
I lost sight of how truly powerful transformation is through humility.
I love you my son, be well. Continue to teach me.
Your son is amazing as are you! I often wonder the same in watching my kids grow. I am harsh at times and then wonder, "was that necessary?" I am trying to listen more and have patience. I have been working on mindfulness and trying to be "in the moment" as much as possible. You are a wonderful mom and a great woman. Everyone is better for having been part of your world :)
ReplyDeleteThat posted as unknown but it was me :) Love Lisa :)
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Lisa. You are such an inspiration to me in many aspects of life Michelle. The way you Mother is not excluded. I wish that your experience was different. You are not alone. This exact struggle is mine as well! You took the emotions from my heart and put them into words. Thank you for sharing! In Mark 14 after Jesus was let down by the Disciples (who he was relying on to care for his saftey while he was praying) he told them "the spirit is willing but the flesh will fail". These men could not even stay awake to watch out for God's own son. We will not be perfect caregivers either. Be intentional and allow for change to occur, but give yourself grace if you miss the mark at times. If those men couldn't get it right for Jesus. We will not get it right every time either. Not making excuses, but its just so easy to be eaten up with guilt over this! As long as change (not perfection) takes place. Its good! For me, it started after reading this scripture, and allowing myself grace for imperfection in the process to improve. I know you will do it! Let me know if you have any pointers! ;)
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