Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!

As I sit in the solitude and peace of my studio, hot tears stream down my cheeks as my heart explodes inside of me. When things change, and they inevitably do, submission to the universal forces of goodness and truth must prevail. Trying to cling to the past will only pass through your fingers like sand in an hourglass. I submit to the will of goodness even when it hurts.  Even when it rips through me like the massive claws of a tiger slicing through the abdomen of an antelope, leaving me completely vulnerable and exposed.

Submitting to the will of goodness does not mean I am infallible. On the contrary, I tend to put up an aggressive and futile fight against the truth I do not wish to face. My humanness shines through like a beacon. And I have the potential to invent ways to hold on to my reality when matched up against truth.  My humility and submission to goodness and truth allows healing, so its a wonder why I'd ever think to fight against it.  Its a paradox that seems foolish to fight...and it IS foolish to fight truth. My pride NEVER wins. Knowing that my human pride is an ill match for truth becomes my saving grace. I am able to submit.  Even when it takes every fiber of my being, losing my pride, and using my intellect to submit. I submit.

One thing is clear, I will side with good at ALL costs. It sometimes feels as though it kills me to do so. But the reality is, it is NOT killing me, it is making me stronger.  Even if I'd rather rebel against the thought of submission because of misguided selfish pride, it is wiser to choose truth. When I am brutally honest with myself, I know I'd rather throw a tantrum, kicking, screaming and throwing my body about before giving in to to obvious truth before me. Truth cuts like a two edged sword. A scripture I remind myself of to stay grounded in truth:

23 "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. 24 Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1Cor 10:23-24

Every man faces his true character alone. I alone am responsible for the good I do or don't do!  I no longer say I am lonely...I know better than that! Manifested creation lives inside me.  However, I FEEL---deeply and I sometimes think I am alone in how I deeply I feel about things.  I can't hide it. It shows in my walk, in my talk, in my furrowed brow, or distended forehead vein whenever I am stressed beyond my borders. I am wrestling angels right now!

There are specific times in my personal spiritual walk where I actually question, "Why was I made this way?" Should I live this life being so sensitive to humanities ills and hardships? Especially when I am surrounded by people who have the ability to suppress, hide, ignore or dismiss emotional appeals as easy as donning and doffing their clothing. So many times I feel like a fish out of water, suffocating as I gasp for sustenance. I MUST REMEMBER---

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

The focus must shift from self to others in order to be effective for goodness and truth.

There is so much loss in this world. All types of loss, from death of a loved one to the break up of a loving relationship. Any type of withdraw creates a ripple in the universe felt by the "sensitives" moving about this earth.  Even the deaf, dumb and blind one can feel the powerful energy of human suffering transcending all physical laws of time and space. We only need to tune into its frequency. Adjust our perspective to include the external pulsating energy of another human being, whether next to you or half way across the globe. Pain is a chosen condition of the mind. I am grateful for my painful experiences. They keep me relate-able to other people who hurt deeply.  We can respond to the sufferings of this world first with compassion. Compassion leads the heart to action.