Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Daily Diary

One is the loneliest number.......
Now, I knew my journey would bring about major change......but "knowing" something and going through it can be very different. It was clear to me that my social interactions would change drastically. Being alone with my thoughts is actually a comforting place to be. I am able to examine my behavior and really focus on the changes I need to make to become a better person. Coupled with the fact that I have been more creative and productive than I have been in years with my art. I need to be alone to make that happen. However, I am also a social creature. So this week I felt the tug of loneliness at my shirt tails. Its a double edged sword.

I definitely do NOT want to be like Jack Nicholson in the movie, "The Shining". Left alone with his thoughts for too long produced the crazies in him. Instead of writing his novel he spent hour after hour typing "All work and not play makes Jack a dull boy". Hmmmmmmmmm. And by most accounts the people that know me already think I'm where do you go from crazy?

There's this ebb and flow going on.
My biggest disappointment this week is that Stacy has made no effort what so ever to learn sign language so we can communicate easier at home. There were two years of opportunities to learn even the basics before this point.....and NOTHING. The irony of that got a chuckle out of my best friend. Not signing is not sooooooo bad, but its the lack of communication all together. He is the one person I had hoped would join in. He is the one person I see most in the world. While texting keeps me connected with people outside my head. I crave human contact. Now in his defense, this is my journey and not his so why should he be "forced" to do something that is a challenge for him, when he is only "in this" by default? I agree, he shouldn't. The challenge is mine and by the very nature of a challenge, it is not supposed to be easy and there will be unexpected twists and turns. It will ultimately be about how to find a solution for the challenges I face. I have logic and emotion battling this one out! That's the EBB.

Now for the FLOW. My children! Maybe its because they are children that they are so open to things that are different. They have just embraced what is going on at home. I can have all sorts of conversations with them. They have picked up a great deal of sign language but what they don't know in sign we gesture. Its like a never ending game of charades. They have fun with it, which in turn makes it fun for me. They also know how to sign the alphabet so if I am really stuck on a word with them I can spell it out. That's cool.
AHHHHHHHHH then there is the affection! (my favorite part) To make up for what is not said there are constant kisses and hugs from them. They will stop what they are doing just to give me a hug and say "I love you". We do A LOT of snuggling! smile......that's the BEST language!

Some adult love would be nice.....

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