Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
No matter what our substance or appearance is, we are all viable. We use what we got to make it happen. Whatever that "it" is. Notice the church with spray painted windows because stained glass is expensive and hard to come by, "not having" doesn't stop them. Isn't the point of the church, to meet together and worship? Who cares what the windows look like? And if you're hung up on what the church looks like...you missed the point.
I listened attentively to a very wise person this weekend. The words cut but I need to hear them. I don't want to miss the point. We talked concerning my art studio. I have been spending alot of time obsessing and worrying about all the fine details in finishing its construction. Like--- the baseboard molding, a few more outlets, a fire detector, and finishing touches on cosmetics...blah blah blah. I am the closest I have ever been to having a pristine space solely for the creation of art. The advice was for me not to loose sight of my goal. (to create) Stop and realize what I ALREADY have. So what every little detail is not in place! What already exist is phenomenal. I was warned against loosing my hunger. There are people with far less and it does not stop them from staying focused on what moves them. No label or status is going to stop them from actively dreaming and doing. The substance is already inside me. I don't need pretty walls to create. The fact that I have pretty walls is simply a blessing. I could be in four walls and a toilet and the desire to create would not diminish. So what I don't have stained glass! Get a can of spray paint! Create! Stop waiting!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
And for the price of about 50 cents over a pack of cigarettes, I gain access into a figure drawing class.
It begins on the drive over. Unquenchable anticipation as if I have a rendezvous with a secret lover. The excitement builds. I can't wait to set up my supplies...my paraphernalia if you will. The clean sheet of paper before me calls me. It knows my name. It knows what I want. Carefully I select my tool of choice. I feel everything. The light in the room. The heat and energy around me. The sounds of noiseless chatter. My body vibrates with excitement. Is that a drop of sweat? I begin to feel lightheaded. It is as though my feet have left the ground and I am floating...invisible. The model is poised. Before I even begin I study the lines and shapes before me. I notice how beautifully the shadows fall in place. The curves and forms draw me in. The first stroke is most satisfying to my addiction, but I need MORE! Three hours of bliss. My hand glides across page after glorious page of nothing more than compressed charcoal making marks on ground up and pulverized dried trees. Yet for me it is the place where space and time stand still. The eternity. The possibility. The miracle.
Now I have to wait a whole week for my next fix. I'll be itching and scratching until the next time. Maybe I'll need four hours....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
We all have our stone to carry. Some carry smooth light stones, others heavy jagged ones, and still others may have granite, coral, marble or even coal! Then there are those who have diamonds... Our lot in life is uniquely "ours". I alone am responsible for my attitude and how I choose to encounter life. Typically I go through my day with this realization showing itself in some form or fashion. On the positive side I am a rock able to celebrate my individuality and the freedom of forging my own path. On the opposite end of the spectrum I may encounter criticism for the way I look, dress, think, interact with people or raise my children. Whether positive or negative my approach and response to life's many twists and turns is usually seasoned with ginger. My optimistic outlook is due partly because at a very young age I wholeheartedly believed in myself and accepted my choices, and partly because I am partly insane.
The opinions that really affect me are from my closest relationships. I was never one to acquire the attitude of caring what the populous thought. I am comfortable in my skin. Then there are days like today.... Incapacitated as if in quick sand. One small comment from someone I love dearly has burrowed its way into my self esteem and has taken a gut shot at my pride. Sometimes intellect and logic don't have a defense against the monster of emotion. Somewhere in my brain I know I am not supposed to be emotionally crushed so easily. However, my love and respect for this person has worked against me like kryptonite. I am rendered powerless. Being vulnerable hurts... oh yeah that's what happens when you leave yourself vulnerable. I guess my stone has cracks in it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
So I want to take time out and remember what I am truly grateful for…
A husband who is willing to work one million hours to provide for his family and love us beyond worldly limits, a best friend who accepts, understands and loves me just because I am me, a mommy who is a mother, sister and friend, a close knit family, children who exude joy, my first daughter who passed and the lessons she taught me of what family really means, meeting my father – having him live and die with me and experiencing all the wonders of getting to know an entire family I never had before, lifelong friendships, the option to stay home and pursue my dreams, my health, challenges in my life that help me grow into a better person, the free will to choose, my spirituality, and the beautiful details in nature – like: sunsets, the smell of flowers, ocean beaches, trees, birds, clouds and starry nights. I am grateful for the breath of life.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Well at least for me, modern technology has proved to be a good thing. The diagnosis was clean cut and explained thoroughly with charts and graphs to back up the intellect. The epidural was textbook. Everything worked out to the letter. Before the epidural I was unable to walk for several days and then I had to use a cane. After the epidural -I have minimal pain. Prognosis....it depends on me. Will I be a good girl or not and stay conscience of the mechanics of my back? I need to be vigilant against the perils of a poor diet and non-existent exercise. I should be fine if I take care of myself with a healthy lifestyle and NO BUNGEE JUMPING! Awwwww, now I have to cancel that bungee class. I will of course continue therapy on my back and continue to take it easy. A bad back is no joke.
So, NOT LIKE Frida, a broke back is not the thorn in my side.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wondering if with "modern science"....Frida Kahlo would have had the treatment she needed? But then would there exist her art?
Relief is in sight....bed ridden now for 10 days, I go in to see a neurosurgeon today. My appointment with him yesterday was very eye-opening. He explained to me on the computer what my MRI showed. Basically, I have one large herniated disk and a smaller one. Other issues included degenerative disks. That was all pretty much known to me already.....he shed light on the topic when he showed me that a piece of my spinal column had chipped off at the disk herniation. The chip is what was re-aggravating the area creating extreme muscle spasms making it unable for me to walk. Thankfully, surgery is not necessary.
I will receive an epidural to decrease the effects of the herniated disk. The chip will reabsorb into my body over time and I will continue therapy to reduce the muscle spasms along with pain management. I should be up and at um in no time. Long term treatment will consist of me being very conscience of my back, physical therapy, swimming therapy and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Open and shut case.
Now back to the business at hand....this is no comparison to Frida, but it does make me wonder about the things we do go through and how much of it we pay attention to. What molds us? What influences us? What inspires us? What circumstances bring out the BEST in us?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
It has been 6 days that I have been bed ridden. My back gave out and went into severe spasm leaving me unable to walk. I need help to use the bathroom. The pain is so unbearable I don't eat or sleep. After tests and therapy the doctors have diagnosed me with a herniated disk and extreme back spasms rendering me with very limited mobility. The laundry list of heavy duty prescribed drugs are doing nothing to relieve the pain. This is a mere fraction of pain what Frida went through but I can see clearly how my pain has focused my energy towards my creativity. I do admit it is a lonely lot not for the weary of heart!
There is a quiet irony between me and Frida.... Frida Kahlo is one of my all time favorite artist for many reasons. Her imagery hits straight to the heart of her pain. She can show beauty and pain in a harmonious dance on the canvas. Her work screams intelligence, passion and suffering lovingly painted. In studying her life there are so many parallels between us. There are similarities that hit close to home and make me feel like I have known her intimately . Her accident that left her incapacitated for some time is the very thing that transformed her into a phenomenal artist. Isn't that the irony of life? Some of the most traumatic incidents in our life takes us on a journey that transform us into incredible individuals.