A wise person once said....

Sometimes people say things to you or about you that you don't like. If it is from someone you love and admire, the words can cut deeper than a two edge sword, crippling you.  The real challenge is getting to the truth...the heart of the matter.

There is a grain of truth in even the most gruesome of lies. Its hard to see that truth if your vision is blocked by emotion.

I recently was told I lack perspective, unable to control my emotions, insecure, abusive, unstable, unappreciative, just taking and wanting more and more and more. From this angle I am hideous and unworthy of any kind of friendship or grace. That type of wordplay could cause someone to ponder, "What drawer did I put the razor blades?".
What someone sees in you as the core of who you are is a reflection of your actions they witness and judge. It is not the whole picture. It is a side of the truth. Whatever incidents lead to that opinion it is best to keep the incidents isolated. Sweeping Generalizations are damaging. Taking the depth of a person and reducing them to a harsh word is meant to destroy.

I am all those things at different times. Its not who I am as a whole. It is not the core of my existence. However, to hear it in the context of ---that is who I am...to the point where dread befalls the person in hearing from me...the lines of truth can get blurred if my lense is clouded by emotion.

So back to the heart of the matter...the truth. For my own sanity and health I need to be better in all those areas. Even if to stay consistent and be above reproach. To learn and grow. To have what I believe reflected in my actions. Watch my life and doctrine closely. And continue to openly look at myself honestly even in the light of the most horrible of opinions. An ample amount of humility is always good to have around too!

I'm learning that 'perspective' drives opinion. Its where the person sits that guides their words. However, angles are askew.

Who left the ironing board out?

Have you ever been over someones house and it looks like a tornado just flew through? And we're not talking about a mess that is made from general living and the person just hasn't gotten around to doing the chores. This mess I'm speaking of could easily be highlighted on the next episode of  "Hoarders"! Things everywhere...bulging boxes stacked atop one another; bags full of 'needful' things strewn about; mountains of clothes pile high creating an obstacle course the envy of even a Tough Mudder competition. Every conceivable surface has something on it. Standing still is your best option because the thought of navigation breaks you out in a cold sweat.

Now the chaos is not isolated to things. There could be a gang of unkempt kids tussling about oblivious to their third world conditions. They are busy screaming about who touched who as if personal space is a holy sanctum. Let's throw in a few pets for good measure creating the look of the food chain: a couple mange dogs fighting over a sock, a fat cat lounging on top of the fridge, an unknown number of hamsters in a habitat that looks and smells like a trash heap, a lone goldfish in a bowl where the water has evaporated so much he can barely swim about, and who could do without some sort of reptile? An iguana, tucked away in a corner with a heat lamp warming his sanctuary protected from the clutter by a thin layer of glass. (I think a bird would be over the top...don't you?)

Then there is the noise! Why is the TV and Pandora blaring? Sounds are rising and falling in fierce competition so that the alpha can be heard. Suddenly above everything, the head of the house, clearly the one responsible for establishing this environment yells out in an authoritarian query of control,
"WHO LEFT THE IRONING BOARD OUT?!!!"

This applies to how some people think and react in confrontation. Avoiding the obvious. Instead zeroing in on a fatal flaw of yours. A passage from the bible describes it well.
Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Let us be mindful to keep our own affairs in order before we are quick to point out another person's shortcomings. Then we will have the clarity to help one another.

Under construction...

Sometimes we just have to get ourselves together. It's well worth it to slow down; pamper yourself; get your hair and nails done; nip and tuck if you have to! Smile

What you say matters...

Words whispered in an ear can take down the toughest of giants.

"You over think" "You're crazy" "You're bringing that on yourself" "That's all in your head" "You're the problem" "You don't know what you're talking about" "you're exhausting"

Do people really know the power in words?
You can build up or tear down.
I'm waging war against negative verbiage! I know I don't like to be deflated with destructive words. So in the like way I do not need to use language negatively towards others.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"-Gandhi
That is my charge.
This sign was posted in one of the classrooms at school and really moved me!

"Know who you're dealing with..."

The age old dilemma of relationships. The reason Shakespeare and the bible are timeless. There is nothing new under the sun.
"People stuff" I call it. The ebb and flow of human interaction. I may rely on intuition where my counterpart relies on logic. Where is the common ground? There is so much that is not said and expected to be understood and then there are times things are said and no understanding can be reached. We are a troublesome lot.

I'm probably putting all my eggs in one basket here....but I heavily rely on my best friend for mental comfort. However not being the emotional type their response is more of distance and lack of interest for all things charged emotionally. So I'm left misunderstood and frustrated. I'm supposed to know they are not emotional and they are supposed to know I am emotional....yeah, good luck with that one.

Today was a challenge. Nothing too hard....just a bit of a reality check. I had my first of many doctors visits to begin the process of the embryo transfer for my step-sister. Although I am ready physically, mentally, and spiritually....and excited to offer myself in this way, I had to take a moment to digest the upcoming calender. Having gone through this before there is definitely a certain understanding of how the process will go.  But when I looked at the calender of medications I am to start taking, I was instantly flooded with memories of painful injections and hormonal mood swings!

My life will now be in the hands of a team of doctors mapping out my every move. Coupled with my step-sister there every step of the way rising and falling to the occasion of every appointment.  Yes, I was hit with the reality of things being well under way. So whatever I needed to do to be ready...had to be done already!
Like I said, I just needed to take a moment....and here it is.

Insight

Early morning...can't sleep. The first place to gravitate when this happens is the art studio. 

There has been a recent surge of creative energy pulsating throughout the studio. Projects that had been lovingly started and quietly abandoned are now receiving the TLC they desperately deserve. Many projects have already been finished, delivered and checked off their prospective lists. The current group of art being worked on brings me JOY! I wanted to get to it long ago but my crazy OCD mind works in specific ways....
I needed to visually finish some of the smaller projects and commissions. Pieces of work that were not as personal in nature but more for the client. Clear out the clutter visually and in my head so the flow of creativity can freely channel through me during these more demanding pieces.

I'm EXCITED! My current work embodies the combination of different mediums and concepts. A long time I had yearned to produce work that took into account the many facets of my creative interests. Rich layers of ideas flow over the canvas melding with materials effortlessly executed. There is realism, abstraction, fantasy mixed with paints, paper, cloth, 3 dimensional elements and anything within my grasp that fits to get the point across all living harmoniously on one surface. Finally a place of creation that mirrors the plethora of options that swirl inside of me. Just as the play on canvas consists of multiple layers emerging and hiding, bold  in some places yet subtle in others, full of energy and life so is my own personality represented. I feel confident this current body of work displays closely where I am as an artist. There is depth. It is well worth further investigation....I shall learn more about myself and others in the process.

Art is life...

2013...the year is almost over!

It is day 15 of the first month of the year 2013. Already so much is swarming around in my head, it feels like there is not enough time in the year to accomplish it all. Silly coming from a person who proclaims LOUDLY, "Time and Space are relative!". My strength is in the moment. So when I begin entering the realm of future thought I instantly get overwhelmed. My freedom is nabbed right under my nose. Time to move within my position of strength.

It IS possible to live in the moment AND plan my future without losing my free spirit in the process. So here goes... The following is a list of adventures I will undertake in 2013.

January: Begin the exciting journey of becoming a surrogate for my step-sister. Currently she has two frozen embryos waiting to enter my womb.  

January til December: Apply to UCONN for graduate school. Proposed entry September 2014. Need: Application, Artist Statement, transcripts, standardized graduate test, financial application and portfolio review.  

March: Heart of Montessori art show (first ever). Showing student art work since September 2012 from the classes I taught.

May: MSGH (Montessori School of Greater Hartford) Gala video - produce and edit, Donation of artwork I created and a donation of three free art lessons to auction off at the Gala .

Saturdays: Teach private lessons for students at Artpeace Studio.  

Dream/Goal for the year: Personal art show at a local gallery.  

Upgrade Artpeace Studio: Revamp website, updated business cards, organize digital files, network digital files, update resume, and gain remote access to digital archive (examples of artwork)

At first glance the list for 2013 appears overwhelming, however as I live in the moment, when real change  happens, it becomes clear I am already equipped with everything needed to accomplish my goals.

First Date

  When I mentioned to Madi that her grandfather affectionately named "Sandman" wanted to take her on a date, she lit up like the fourth of July! When I told her they we going to a concert to see Keiko Matsui, she just about exploded!  From the time the twins were infants we'd turn on the smooth jazz music channel for them to sleep to. So, Madi is very familiar with Keiko Matsui's music and even has her own personal favorites.
  She immediately stopped everything she was doing to get dressed. Madi zipped through the house trying on clothes and accessories.  This occasion called for something blue and sparkly!  Helping my ten year old daughter get ready for her date was surreal as a precursor for things to come.  The buzz in the house was contagious, even Wave joined in on the excitement. He gave Madi tips on hanging out with Sandman since he spent "man time" with Sandman this summer when they went to New York to the Intrepid together.
   How wonderful is it for her first concert date to be with her grandfather?  She will come away with so much valuable insight into how she is to be treated on a date. Its fun to watch my little girl's excitement.  They even went out to eat at a "burger joint"!
  Madi came home and couldn't wait to tell me all about it. She did not waste a single detail. The glow in her eyes was breathtaking.
  Thank you Sandman for loving my daughter!

 

Keiko Matsui, born in Tokyo, Japan as Keiko Doi, is a Japanese smooth jazz/jazz fusion/new age/ keyboardist and composer whose career spans three decades, during which time she has released twenty CDs and has received international acclaim. Wikipedia

"God's gonna trouble the waters..."

 The calm and stillness of the hour make it possible for ideas to flow like water. My body can't help but to rise at four a.m. and today I did not fight it.  It is dark outside and nothing is stirring in the house however if you listen carefully, you can hear the house breathe. Its a peaceful ebb and flow permeating throughout these walls. I'm sitting in what used to be the children's playroom but now is the newly transformed "adult" living room. The colors and decor wrap around me like a chenille comforter. For a snack to nibble on I prepared red grapes, butter crackers, jalapeno infused sharp cheddar cheese and senna tea. Sade is floating in the air blessing my quiet time with her smooth like melted butter voice. I am at peace.

  Just as ripples in a pond start small, pick up momentum and expand as far as the body of water will carry, I too have a stirring going on.  There is peace all around me and yet inside me ideas are dropping into the ocean of my mind creating an energy radiating out into the universe.  Post-year of silence has created in me a marked change in how I navigate the earth. Where I once was very vocal on a whole host of topics, I learned that my opinion is my opinion no matter if it is said out loud or not. So I spent the majority of this year observing and listening to people. Reserving the right to weigh in on any topic for the individuals that requested such oration. This has nurtured along deeper relations with old friends and even gave birth to the emergence of fresh new friends.  Although I thoroughly enjoy this type of interaction, I kind of pulled so far back from verbal expression I stopped writing as well. The stirring inside me is looking for balance.

  Things are beginning to settle out for me at home.  The twins are growing beautifully and thriving. Stacy is finally reaping the comforts for his home from sowing so many overworked overtime hours. My best friend is so comfortable with me I am almost invisibly transparent.  My art studio is heaven on earth and I effortlessly landed a part-time teaching gig at my kids school...teaching art no less! All is right with the universe. However....

 Now my spirit is calling out from the depths of my soul ready to say something.
-be in the moment
-do art
-listen first
-eat, pray, love
-make others smile
-be unpredictable
-give
-use words sparingly...but use them
-live out loud
-be gentle (I haven't gotten that one down yet...smile)
-falling into a routine is extremely over-rated!

It is time for my small ripples of ideas to turn into a tsunami on the other side of the world!

This post is in loving memory of my beloved daughter Egypt Diarra-Kai
September 22, 1998 - October 27, 1998
I love you with my soul.

Serenity now!

Back to the basics.....
It is helpful to go back to go forward. My mind has been racing lately. I'm thinking way too much about what needs to be done instead of actively doing it in the moment. The latter is my strength. So I've internally decided to BE STILL. What came next was the urge to look back and see what was I doing when I did feel full.  So here I am....

I spent a week in the Berkshires with my dear friend Suzanne. We enjoyed our time together as two artists painting in the open air, drinking adult beverages, eating yummy treats and jamming to good tunes! We gave birth to two memorable paintings.  The week was a reminder of what the real goal is...to be working artists. Whether for fortune or fame....or for just the sheer enjoyment of it!

SO BACK IN THE STUDIO I GO!!!

Early morning meditation....

Sitting in the quiet. Early morning.
Thinking about how a simple smile makes people feel comfortable and safe. Isn't it beautiful when someone walks in and their smile lights up the whole room? No words are needed...just a welcoming smile!

Smiling like laughter is contagious.

Matthew 5:5
"You are the light of the world."

The End of Silence!

End of Silence

The end of a year....and continuation of living.

"The more efficient a force is, the more silent and the more subtle it is. Love is the subtlest force in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

As the door for this year closes; a new door full of possibilities opens. Memories of this year flood my mind. It has definitely been one of the more memorable ones. However, I'm looking forward to the limitless adventures of the new year.

In the beginning of the year when I set out on this j0urney of silence, I had no idea how things would turn out. Taking one day at a time seemed to be the best approach. I admit this year was spent primarily in the moment. It was easy to concentrate on how things felt when the focus was not on formulating words to say. My mind was free to contemplate instead of reacting. I could take my time to really consider what was said and not feel pulled to respond or quickly add my two cents. So many times we are so at the ready to add our point of view, frequently missing the point altogether.

I intend on using the skills explored this year well into the next and beyond. To sit and try to reflect on what my goals were for this year and weigh in on if they were accomplished is a bit overwhelming right now, as I'm anticipating midnight so I can tell my twins I love them!! I'm going to have to spend some time going through each one and really reflect on how things have changed for me this year. (more to come on this blog) There have been so many wonderful changes.

One of the most beautiful experiences for the year was the unfaltering, unconditional love and support of my family and close friends. To say I am "crazy"... falls easily off the lips of those who love me. But it is those same people that accept me for all that I am. The favor is returned as well. No matter what I bring to the table (and I bring feasts sometimes) they take it all in stride; riding with me the whole way. Even when they are not entirely sure what it is exactly I am doing. It doesn't matter. They love me and simply say, "ok if this is what your doing, we're in".
Thank you for making my journey a joy and not a burden! I am eternally grateful.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Have the most joyous experience of your life! If you think it, you can do it!

Near death....

Let's say...you are out very late and far from home. You are exhausted from being awake for over 24 hours. All you want to do is get home to your nice, warm and cozy cocoon of a bed. However, the drive home is murder... (almost literally)

You begin your determined journey. All the necessary checks have been made: I.D., money, gas, seat belt, mirrors, and of course music for the ride. Its winter so you put the heater on high to quickly warm the cabin. As you drive down the highway there is barely a soul on the road. An occasional car passes you and their lights quickly fade into the dark landscape. The hum of the engine mixed with the music feels like a lullaby and a warm sensation moves through your body. Without effort your eyelids become shades being drawn for close of business. Everything goes BLACK! If you were conscience you would notice that you should not be driving with your eyes closed!

Suddenly an extreme jolt of pain whips through your spine, accompanied by a thunderous roar that sounds like falling boulders. The car you so commonly see as a source of protection becomes a thrashing epileptic. When you snap back to reality your foot instinctively slams on the brakes and episodes of your life are now sitting in the passenger seat beside you. Instead of meeting your demise you end up motionless in a ditch with your heart beating outside itself!

So now I ask you.....What are the millions of streaming thoughts in your head? Are your first thoughts a plea to God? But wait... maybe guilt floods in first because how can you ask your God to help you when you haven't exactly been doin' the right thang. (human logic is flawed). Ok with that out the way, what's next? Praise perhaps? Regrets? Things you wish you HAD done? There is still so much life to live! Or maybe images of all the people you wished you forgave? Are there people you still need to forgive? Time is of the essence. What will give you a clear conscience to end this chapter and enter into the next?

I'd like to think my mind is engulfed with memories of the people I love! My kids playing and saying I love you, my husband laughing, my mom kissing me, my best friend joking with me, and friends smiling.
There is still time.... I'm sitting here writing this, right?

A Lie is a Lie is a Lie.....

Man....this was a tough one for me! Anyone that knows ANYTHING about me, knows there is one thing I do not tolerate well....LYING! And I don't mean I simply don't like it. I mean I get physiological symptoms behind it. My body instantly gets flush, my heart races, I begin sweating, I start stuttering (if I'm talking), and a rage overcomes me where I want to remove myself instantly from the situation. A quote I say often, "I can handle the truth better than a lie any day". Honesty and integrity are among the highest character traits a person can possess.

My life has evolved into an open book...(literally with this blog). Keeping an open life helps to maintain humility. Its harder to be arrogant and prideful when your vulnerabilities are hangin' out there for all to see. Now granted some people do not WANT to know the truth. So I try to stay as open as possible and if someone wants to know the hard stuff they can simply ask.

In my children, they were taught the concept of integrity from the time they were two years old. My biggest selling point to them was that they can always tell me the truth and we can work it out sensibly. We spent time talking through things and learned about responsibility and consequence. They are definitely developing into confident and honest children. On the subject of honesty things are pretty peaceful in the Thomas household. But if they lie....well then... "the wrath of your mother shall consume you!".
So, you can imagine my surprise and disappointment when my nine year old son stood in front of me and told a bold face lie....a seemingly harmless lie, not one filled with guile, but a lie none-the-less.

It was a quick opportunistic lie...real simple. He was supposed to eat his hamburger...instead he let Kissy (the dog) eat it when I left the room. I came back quicker than he thought I would. I asked about the burger (already knowing what happened--mother's instinct). He said he ate it. I looked at him long and hard and told him to tell me the truth...and he did. My immediate reaction was to snatch him up!!! It took everything to send him to his room so he could think about it and I could cool off.

On a psychological side note... A spanking was DEFINITELY my first response for punishment as he looked me in my eyes and lied to me! Now, I grew up with a young single mother raising three kids on her own in the projects. There was no room for negotiation. There was no room for words. It was what my mom said and that was it. If you got out of line you got a spanking. It was a simple rule to live by...and we did. As an adult I can appreciate her perspective and I am who I am because of it. However, I run my house a little different. For starters I am not on my own. I have a supportive husband driving this ship. I also don't have the social-economical burdens she had to deal with. So, I am equipped with a different set of tools in my arsenal to deal with situations. But TRUST every fiber of my being wanted to string this boy up!!! Flashes of the movie "The Color Purple" entered my mind---"Beat 'um..."

Ok, so this is what happened.
I was so upset I had tears in my eyes. I sent him to his room for awhile so he could think about what he did. When I went back in his room, we talked for some time and I had him discuss what is harmful about lying and about my disappointment in him. We talked about responsibility of action and HIS part in his choices for what kind of person he want to be. He's growing and I respect who he is as an individual so I was honest with him. I told him I want to give him a spanking, but I'm giving him the opportunity to think about how serious lying is and his responsibility in it. So I asked him to think of a fair punishment for his actions. The end result may very well be a spanking but he will be involved in the decision. Mind you I'm struggling the whole time!!!

He was given some more time and he came back to me and suggested punishment for a week with only being allowed to draw (one of his favorite past times). I changed it to not being able to do anything. So, for a week everyday after school he is to go straight to his room. He's not allowed to do anything except schoolwork and read. NO TV, NO music, NO computer, NO Nintendo, NO Playstation, NO building Legos, NO drawing, and NO playing with Madi. He thought a minute and agreed the punishment was fair. (Personally, I would have taken the spanking! smile)

I was going through so many emotions...I had to text my mom about it. She was extremely supportive and gave some great observations. I was really having a hard time with this one! You can't MAKE someone be truthful. My prayer is that my children learn how to live a life of integrity. I know emotionally I was exhausted. Its a hard enough issue....now try doing all this deep communicating only with sign language!

Later that evening Wave came to me and apologized for lying to me and I grabbed him, hugged him super tight and smothered him with kisses.

Emailing: Blog_2011_1007_4

 

Subject:Montessori School of Greater Hartford ::, http://www.msgh.org/community/blog-resource/msghartist2011/

This is a good read...

As I sit back to reflect...my life reads as a magical fairytale with adventure around every corner. The main character always goes through some soul searching epiphany that changes her forever. The story is filled with colorful characters with amazing qualities. There is a lesson to be had at the end of every encounter. Story lines twist and turn but good ALWAYS triumphs over evil!
A new chapter has emerged!
The day before yesterday while I was busy in the studio creating to my heart's content, the house phone kept ringing with a unidentified number from New York. Regardless of who was on the other line, due to my year of silence, I do not answer the house phone. Especially when the number is of unknown origin! Yet, the fact that the calls came in throughout the day and evening unnerved me. "Who keeps calling from New York?"
The next day I got up at my usual 4:30am to make it to my early morning spin class at the gym. When I got home Stacy told me the most amazing news!
My brother, who I never met, got in touch with us! He was looking for his father and the listing came back to our address and phone number. So on the 27th of September he relentlessly called our home. However, it wasn't until the next morning while I was at the gym, he called and Stacy answered. He was looking for Waveris Harris. Our father. Sadly, Stacy had to tell him daddy had passed going on 4 years now.

The story of meeting my father for the first time is incredible on its own...now this adds a whole new dimension!
On my dad's side I have three brothers: Darrell (the eldest and still missing), Christopher Middleton, and Jason Wade. All four of us have different mothers. All 4 of us were abandoned by our father when we were babies. None of us knew each other. When I turned 27 I sought out to find my dad and did. The adventure is like a story from the bible. You'd have to have faith to even consider how it was at all possible for me to find him the way I did. Then three months later he gives me away at my wedding. Shortly after that, homeless, he agrees to live with us. Our home is where he lived out the remainder of his life. He lived with us for about 9 years before Cancer slowly and painfully took his life. I was by his side holding his hand when he took his last breath. I love you daddy!

My brother Chris sought out to find our dad too, through a letter he wrote with his contact information on it. My dad was too embarrassed by his situation to ever call him. However, one day while visiting with my dad I found the letter and immediately called my brother. That day Chris came to us and met his father and sister for the first time! Shortly after that my dad and I were able to attend Chris's wedding! We keep in contact and love each other very much.






Now enters Jason Wade, 34 and very handsome!
My first text to Jason read,
"Hey long lost brother!!! I can't wait to meet you! I wanted to meet you when daddy first told me about you!" He immediately called me back. I didn't answer and instead sent another text,
"Ok...this is going to sound crazy but I can't answer the phone. I took a vow of silence this year and I am not talking...I can listen but I can't talk back." He texts back,
"LOL! Yeah your my sister!"
We spent the day texting each other, and I tried to answer all of Jason's question as thoroughly as I could. In the excitement of the moment I was texting my Aunt Alice (my dad's sister), my cousin Danie and my brother Christopher all at the same time to share about Jason. Everyone was so excited. I gave everyone his number so they could talk to him. I asked Jason,
"How's having an instant big ol family?" And he replied,
"Oh what a feeling! I can't wait to meet everyone!"
At one point Jason was extremely sad because he missed the opportunity to meet daddy. I tried my best to reassure him that I will do everything to share all I have about our dad. I have tons of pictures and videos from the holidays while he lived with us. Plus our extended family is big and beautiful! My dad has 4 sisters with kids of their own. I am close to all my aunts and cousins and love them dearly. Now Jason has a chance to see this side of the family he never knew.

This cliff hanger is awesome! I can't wait to see what happens next!

Time warp

Today was one of the first days I had to myself. I had been anticipating this day for a long time. The summer was fun spending time with the kids at the pool. However, my time in the studio became limited with taking care of the kids. So now with summer coming to a close, and the kids starting school for full days, I can't wait to get in the studio!
Wow! That was quick....today probably was the quickest day of the year!!! I swear I just entered the studio and I literally blinked and it was time to pick the kids up from school. Now its homework and dinner!!! What just happened?!!!

Early Morning meditation...

My favorite time of the day when the whole house is quiet. So quiet in fact you can hear the house breathing. Older homes have personality. Their character embodies the residents. Its like the laughter of my children stay in the walls somehow. I love it. It is very comforting. I sit here for hours in the quiet and just listen.....

A much needed hiatus....

This morning, I took advantage of a quiet house. While the twins were sleeping and with Stacy at work, I drew myself a steaming hot bubble bath to sooth my stiff back and hard head.

The night was long and lonely. I spent a good portion of the night tossing and turning. Eventually I had to get out of bed and walk to relieve my tortured soul and pain ridden body. In the middle of the night this ole house makes lots of quiet noise. It was comforting to hear the rain hit the street.

I can be a very sensitive soul sometimes.... whatever the catalyst for my thoughts, I began to consider the condition of the world. Heavy stuff for a suffering insomniac for a night. My heart was pulled in the direction towards the plight of man. People have good intention, but the problem is, intention doesn't get the job done; Action does. Then relationship wise it seems so few are actually happy. More than half of my friends (whose wedding I remember) have gone through a divorce or the threat of a break-up looms over their head. There are many in relationships where instead of working together, harsh words take the place of true understanding.

I ended up crying. The kind of cry that comes from your soul. I cried for everyone! Myself included. I cried for any ill thought or deed. I cried for any action that pulls us away from peace. Hot tears streamed down my cheek for anyone whose heart has ever been broken. I cried for humanity.

I cried myself into a peaceful silence. Then I went back to bed.
In the morning I awoke to a fresh perspective. Action took the place of sorrow. Taking care of our mind, body and spirit is a must in order for us to stay healthy and take care of each other.
Back to my hot bubble bath... I spent two hours soaking in bubbles scented with vanilla and a hint of citrus. Burning my Nag Champa is a must and of course I had a recording of the ocean playing in the background. This was all a backdrop to the real activity. I'm currently reading one of the most stimulating books I've opened in a long time. Its title is perfect, "The Art Spirit" by Robert Henri (1865-1929).
Inside these pages are the most inspiring words for any artist. Some books just seem to reach inside our hearts and kiss it. That's what its like as my eyes take in every word. Robert Henri pours out for the thirsty artist philosophies in art that quench the soul. His words are timeless and pure. In all my silence and lack of artist peers this book feels like a friendly conversation. I need to be reminded what my mission is from time to time. I am an artist.
No sense feeling bad about lost intentions.....its a new day and action is required.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi

I'm sorry.....

This is an apology to myself.....I'm sorry.

No matter the circumstance DO NOT compromise your beliefs! During various times of stress it may seem in your best interest to alter what you would normally do and go with the flow. Resist the urge!
These are King Solomon-esqe words of advice. Take it from someone who has traveled that road extensively. ONLY turmoil, strife and guilt will come of it.

I actually thought I was helping the situation...(in my not so infinite wisdom) to go along with the "flow" of the other person, as not to make too big a wave. WRONG! It takes a stronger person to stand up to something that is even a little wrong, than to passively soothe the thing with empty yes's. It ends up being like putting a band aide on an arterial bleed. It OBVIOUSLY is not working.
Turns out the damage was long withstanding the original situation.

I have learned to take my own advice. Be consistent in your beliefs no matter who you are dealing with; whether friend or family. In the end you will undoubtedly be left with your own conscience to contend with....and as I let "man" down, I refuse to let myself down.
I'm glad I can still grow......smile.

Family Cookout

I love my mom, but there is just something disturbing about that T-shirt.... LOL!

My craaaaaaaazy family!

United in Pain...

Such a fitting gift at such a perfect time...
My baby mama was out of town and in a random act of kindness, she came home with this print as a gift to me. This is how the spirit works.... She knew I liked Frida but had no idea this is actually my favorite painting of Frida. She also purchase the gift before I had my terrible fall.
When she gave me the print, we laughed so hard!!! Awesome!

Is that a Pube hair coming in?

My own silence is loud. I am currently sifting through the noise.
The spring time generally brings about the energy of change and impatience for me. It is actually my most dreaded of the seasons. How can that be?.... EVERYONE loves spring, right? The newness, the freshness, the feeling of hope and promise. NOT!

To me spring is like puberty. Its all awkward. The flowers are trying to burst through the hard soil; the grass hasn't quite figured out what its doing. Its wet and muddy....even cold still. When the trees finally begin to bud their colors are muted and unsure. All around the colors of spring are pale at best. It feels like a lot going on at once. We are constantly on the edge of our seats waiting for something to happen. GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

In my own mind the same thing is going on during the spring. Plans that have been dormant during the winter are trying to burst through. There are many "to do list" to keep track of..... internally and externally. I want to rearrange the rooms in my house, paint the walls, and reorganize closet spaces. There's the garage that needs emptying as well as the basement. The kids have out grown their school clothes from the Fall and Winter, so shopping for clothes is in order. Friends and family are coming out of their hibernation and want to start planning get-to-gathers.

Then there is the internal space in my mind.... prioritizing the many art projects that are ongoing. What and when to create is a constant battle. The balancing act of taking care of my children, keeping my house in order, preparing my art lessons to teach, adapting to my husband's schedule and fitting in family time and creative time all swirl about in my head.

In Autumn I am my strongest; contemplative and introspective; guided and determined. The commander of my ship! Spring.... forget it. I'm all over the place. My spirit feels it too.