My ex-boss in his blunt jovial manner says to the group.... "I finally figured it out...should I tell her?" He gets a few nods and then proceeds to address me saying, "I figured out what your year of silence is really all about. You figure that if you are not talking then the attention is forced to be on you."
If only he knew what is really going on.... This has been the loneliest experience of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am in a bubble. Untouchable, and not in the protected from all harm mob meaning. My core friendships have dissipated. No one really wants to hang out with someone who is not able to talk back or give a verbal response. So the attention I get is in my own head. I think about EVERYTHING! Probably too much now.
The up side is that I am much more mindful of the choice of words I use. Words are a powerful tool that can build up or tear down. My opinion is not needed or required. The world will keep on spinning whether I'm on it or not. So while I am here I want my words to add and not take-away.All I could do was smile and shake my head. If there was a moment in this year so far that I really wanted to say something....it was that moment. However, it was good that I did not get to say a word. It made me think about something. I mean really think and meditate on the topic of : What is really inside us?
If we were transparent, what would people see?
We go through this life trying to do whatever it is we are called to do. We move and process; we respond and grow; we achieve and make mistakes. All the while people's perception of us seems to be askew. How people "see" us rarely matches up with how we see ourselves. I'm no master communicator and for me it seems I'm constantly being misinterpreted, misunderstood or just plain mis-ed. So what's really in there?
On the OUTSIDE I have been told I am outgoing, confident, arrogant, beautiful, selfish, loud, fun, pushy, opinionated, honest, cheerful, fake, raw, faithful, independent, and a host of other words. However, how I see myself on the INSIDE is quite different. I'd be more inclined to describe myself as average on all levels. I think one of my most outstanding qualities is that I will go "all in" during group activities. My desire is to have fun and be an encourager. I encourage, by not being shy. I will do the stuff others may be apprehensive to do. My hope is to lead by example and hopefully make others feel comfortable enough to let their guard down so they can have fun too. Obviously, the intent can be mistaken for an attention hog.
Something else struck me....when I think about what I have inside I am burdened with depressive thoughts. There is a constant duality I live with. On the thinking and intuitive level I am very optimistic. Yet on the feeling and emotional side I am sad and melancholy. I'm always looking to be understood...but maybe, JUST MAYBE... the quiet charm of a crazy artist is to be misunderstood.